The other side of the coin.

Today is a day where I’ve been inspired to write blog posts, some days it feels hard, the words don’t come out right, they don’t say what I want them to or I have nothing interesting to write about. Today is not one of those days, instead today I’ve been scribbling away, writing a life diary reflection, some posts that I’ll delete, some that I may not. One thing I’ve realised is that I’m great at waffling on, to the point that I’ve forgotten what I was going to say lol.

Anyway, I’ve been rereading my bucket list and what things I’ve done etc and got to the last one on my list. Worry less, enjoy more, be content.

Hows that going? Its one of complete contrasts; I’ve had more panic attacks and anxiety attacks in the past four months than I’ve had in my life, I guess I’ve been more cautious in some, mostly in social settings than anything else out of fear of looking stupid, but this anxiety has been something else. I’ve become almost paranoid about where I’ve left my keys, if my car is going to break down, if I’ve left the hob on, if I’ve shut windows, what my health is like, the most basic of things. Not just worries, full on chest poiunding, I need to go home to double check the windows (yes I’ve even text my housemates and asked them to check…… sorry housemates) I really truly hate it. However it has given me a mini insight for what it must be like for people to have full on anxiety issues. I have so much more empathy for them now, it must be so hard to live with.

What have I learnt from this? To double check I’ve locked the doors, shut the windows and switched things off, I’ve also learned a little about self care. I’ve started practicing yoga more, trying to give my head a little bit of time just to relax and not overthink about everything. I have to mentally remind myself that a lot of it is in my head. I’ve also been talking to people around me more. That’s something that may seem so simple to others, but something I’ve found really hard, just being honest and open about things that I’m dealing with inside my head. It surprised me the times when I’ve said something to a friend expecting them to disagree or not get it and its been the opposite, they don’t just get it, they’ve experienced something like it before and we end up having a mini therapy session.

For the second/third part of that bucket list desire? Is the complete opposite of my earlier rambles. Inspite of being more tense and anxious, I’m also more content with my life than I’ve ever been. I was sitting out by the river the other day, just watching the boats and just has this sense of being so content and happy with my life. The thought of ‘oh other people have this’ did come to my mind, but then I realised that, actually if I had those things and lived their life I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now, and that’s a pleasant thought. I could have bought a house instead of travelling, but then I wouldn’t have ended up where I am now with the people that are some of the closest friends I’ve ever had (and by saying that I don’t mean to disrespect the friends I’ve had for years, I hope they understand what I mean).

Right here and right now I am content.

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